things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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