Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
