I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
