I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
