I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
