when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
