That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
