The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
