the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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