My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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