Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
