I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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