I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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