Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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