When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
