Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
there is glitter all over my balls
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