I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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