It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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