bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
