you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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