Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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