that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
