In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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