My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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