I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
