i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
