Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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