Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Randomize
