you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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