does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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