I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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