yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
