Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
