He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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