btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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