new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
