Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
