I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
