What a fucking waste of an outfit
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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