Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
