Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
pop tarts are not kleenex
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
