you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
