She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
