She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drunk is not a location!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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