She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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