This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
