Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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