I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
