if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
