Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
