The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
